Five and a half years ago I gave birth to my first daughter. Jamie and I knew before we ever had children that when that day came, I would spend their younger years at home with them. It was what we both wanted for our family. This decision came with a lot of sacrifices: financial sacrifices for sure, but I also gave up a part of myself. I loved working. I was good at my job and I enjoyed feeling productive and valued for my contributions. It hurt to let go of that part of myself for awhile.
I have spent the last five plus years home with my children, working harder at this job than any other in my life, past or future. It has been hard. It has been good. It has been my dream. It has blessed our family. And now it is time to step back in to the paid workforce.
It has been a difficult process, coming to this decision. I always want my children to know that I am available to them... to see it and to feel it. I had to work through feelings of abandoning my children.
Going back to work is not abandoning my children.
I had to work through my own fears of re-entering paid work. Am I still valuable? Can I still contribute? Will anyone want to hire me?
I am still valuable. We'll see about the rest.
I had to work through feeling of becoming replaceable and insignificant. Of my family not needing me anymore.
These thoughts still hurt.
I had to work through financial realities. I had to wrestle with who would care for my children when I am not with them. I had to trust. And I had to let go... just a little.
I'm working on it.
Yes. My children still need me. But they are both thriving in school and need me in different ways than they used to. I can still meet those needs and work (I can, I can, I can.). I am under no pressure to find a job, so I can take my time and be choosy. When I find a GREAT job, I will leave for work in the morning knowing that Jamie will be caring for our children. I think it will be a welcome change for our entire family. I hope.
And so I am ready. As ready as you can be for change. It's scary and exciting.
Now I just have to find someone to offer me a really great job. :)
1 comments:
It's also incredibly amazing for our children to see how work fills us out as human beings. We are much more than moms. It's important for them to see the many ways we can give ourselves to the world. I hope you find a job that fills you with joy and meaning.
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